Horoscopes!

Everyone with half a brain knows that horoscopes are completely legitimate and accurate. After all, if they weren't true, then how could they print them in a newspaper? After many days of studious research and astrological observation, We have divined the secrets of the cosmos and am prepared to present them to you as guides to live your lives. We do not ask for any money for this extraordinary service, just that you live by these guidelines:


Aquarius (1/20–2/18)

That business tip you're thinking of will pay off soon. Yes, that one. The one that Bob from Accounting told you about surreptitiously. Look what happened to him. He got rich, bought a boat. Don't you want that to happen to you? What are you, scared? Chicken.

Pisces (2/19–3/20)

(See Scorpio)

Aries (3/21–4/19)

Stay the course, persevere, and everything will turn out a-Ok! Remember that with a positive attitude you can achieve anything and- oh, wait, Aries? Hahahaha, we were thinking of Capricorn. Let's just look up Aries and.... oh.

Oh.

Well the important thing is that you're still alive.

Taurus (4/20–5/20)

Mars says that you should try for new love. Venus says that you've got a pretty thing going on now, so why screw it up? Saturn is undecided about this whole love business. And Jupiter is honestly just tired of hearing about your problems. Do you ever think about Jupiter's problems? Of course you don't. Insensitive bastard.

Gemini (5/21–6/21)

Remember, no matter what you think, that cop can probably run faster then you. I mean, he's had training and everything. No, your best bet is to sit tight and wait for legal counsel....

What do you mean you don't have a lawyer? I mean, I guess that's alright, that's what public defenders are for....

Well why didn't you tell us that you had that on your record? If we had known that, we probably would have told you to run in the first place.

You know what? You're on your own on this one.

Cancer (6/22–7/22)

You should probably stock up on garlic and crucifixes. Not that we're saying that there's going to be a vampire attack, but you should probably only go out in daylight from now on, if you get our drift.

Leo (7/23–8/22)

Today is not looking like a good day to take risks. Actually, let's just put a hold on that whole "risk-taking" think for a while and just try to make it through the day, alright? I think we'll all be a lot happier that way.

Virgo (8/23–9/22)

Have you ever noticed that people often use the word "penultimate" to simply mean "ultimate"? What a serious mistake. I mean, what would it be like if we tried doing that in your horoscope? "Today is the penultimate day of your life"? Doesn't that just sound silly?

Libra (9/23–10/22)

Stop that. No, seriously, stop it now. NO DON'T TOUCH THAT. Oh god you've screwed it all up.... NO DOING THAT WON'T MAKE IT BETTER. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. Really, just let us take over and try not to make things worse.

Scorpio (10/23–11/21)

(See Pisces)

Sagittarius (11/22–12/21)

Many other horoscopes make very vague predictions to that they can cover themselves. After all, when you think about it, it's impossible to make a single prediction that applies to each and every one of the hundreds of millions of people that were born in a specific monthly period.

So we're going to make a horoscope for one very lucky Sagittarius:

Jeff Neuhart of Ashtabula, Ohio: First of all, what were you thinking when you did that with Sally? We mean, come on man, she's married! You'd better hope that Richard doesn't find out, because we hear he's got a nasty temper.

So you should probably just try to play it cool for the next few days. Definitely don't go to the Sit'n'Spit for a while, because there's some bad blood there.

Oh, and if Richard reads this... Our Bad.

Capricorn (12/22–1/19)

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.